I'm a late bloomer and I'm not sorry.

I turned 47 last month. It wasn’t your classic “big birthday” type situation, but it felt unexpectedly momentous. Perhaps because I can no longer claim to be in my mid forties. At this point I’m well up the road to the big 5-Ohhhhh. I know that getting to be this age is a gift. The premature deaths from cancer of Dame Deborah James and more recently, the wonderful Kris Hallenga, hit hard. I have also watched helplessly whilst friends and their families have struggled through ill health and personal tragedy.

There is no arguing with the fact that life is, at times, incomprehensibly cruel. To reach your forties without having experienced ill health, tragedy or heartache of some description is, in my experience, rare. Having had my own personal brush with cancer twice in my twenties and thirties, survived through a category 5 hurricane, trudged through 3 cycles of IVF, had a baby born with a congenital heart defect and struggled with the chronic disease endometriosis, getting to this point in life does bring with it a certain sense of battle-weary victory. And that’s before even considering the impact of my 18 year legal career. That’s a whole other story.

There are many things in the last 20 years that I could regret and wished had gone differently but, in a strange way, there is very little I would change. Because all of these hard times and challenges are intertwined with the incredible positives and moments of joy that are also part of my story. Because these things have made me incredibly grateful for my relationship, my son, the life I am lucky to have. Because today I am a better person. Because today I like myself. Ooooof. That’s a big statement isn’t it? I’m not sure where that came from. Am I allowed to say that? Seems a bit “ick” doesn’t it?  But it feels true in this moment. I spent YEARS not liking myself, mainly because I didn’t really have a clue who I was or what I really wanted. I really admire all those 20 and 30 year olds who know who they are and go out and get what they want. That wasn’t me. I often felt I was living someone else’s life. I have only stepped into my true self in the last few years. Yes in my forties. I guess you could say I’m a late bloomer. My sense now is overwhelmingly that time is tight, life is short and there is so much to do. So much to learn. So much I want to achieve. I can honestly say that in my forties I am more ambitious, more driven, have more zest for life than I ever had before.

Don’t get me wrong. I have bad days when I feel overwhelmed and anxious or in pain. Uninspired, paralysed and not enough. In those times I reach into my toolkit of selfcare that I talk so much of. I do my breathwork, exercise, walk, do yoga, get out in nature. Spend time alone. This is particularly important. I have learnt that I am an introvert and an empath and I need time completely alone to protect or recharge my energy. I see my therapist, connect with close family and friends or write. I understand now that these practices are not an adjunct to life; they ARE life. Part of the fabric that I wrap myself in to feel safe, loved and worthy. They help me to be more resilient, less vulnerable to trigger, frankly a nicer and more compassionate person.

Beyond these more obvious forms of self-care I have also learnt the value of creating and then reinforcing boundaries, being selective with friendships and equally discerning around the media I consume. I work hard not to get sucked into the vortex of comparison on Instagram. One of the absolute gifts of being in your mid-forties is that you care far less about what people think of you. I do care what SOME people think of me, but only those that know me and that I respect. Not some random on social media. Another game changing mindset shift in my 40s has been a huge shift in my vision of success and what that means to me. That feels like true liberation.

Apparently, the patriarchy says that women become invisible, and thus irrelevant, at 46 years old. What kind of bullshit is that? I feel far more powerful now than I ever did at 25. I see lots of women who feel the same. I love finding those women. They are my people.  I am by no means claiming to have it all figured out. Far from it; I struggle as much as the next person. At this stage of life it’s highly likely that there’s something challenging just around the corner. The difference in my forties is that I don’t assume that the world is against me and understand that this is just the texture of life. I feel truly hopeful for this next phase of my life and excited to see how it will unfold.